Divorce and Blended Families

This week we talked about divorce and blended families. This topic was interesting to me because of how little exposure I have had to such things. We looked over the processes, predictors, and protectors from divorce. There are emotional, legal, economic, co-parental, community,and psychic processes involved in divorce. The two adults involved must go through "trust falls", division of property, division of friends and family, and they make up their minds to be divorced. Some of the predictors for people to get a divorce is that sometimes, the parents of the divorcees were divorced and the child now sees divorce as an option. Also, the child of divorced parents usually hasn't seen what a healthy relationship looks like. This leaves them with little example to go on other than that of their own parents' bad relationship. Children are likely to recreate patterns that they have seen from their own parents. Cohabitation is another predictor of divorce. Cohabitation leads to the idea that there is always a way out of a bad relationship and once you are married, divorce becomes the only way out.
I found it interesting that 70% of couples who divorced found that two years later, they felt that they could have saved the relationship and wished that they had saved the marriage.
Blended families are a tricky thing. Most often, it takes about two years until the family reaches normalcy. Even if the children involved are young. A good suggestion for the new parent is to let the biological parent do the heavy discipline and the step-parent should take on more of an aunt/uncle role. This would be them being loving to the children but giving light corrections. This gives the biological parent peace of mind and it helps to ease the transition of having a new authority figure in the household.

Parenting

I am no expert on parenting but we learned some things about it this week. We started with the purposes of parenting. Why is it important? Well, it is a way to transmit values and traditions from one generation to the next. Parenting is a way to teach of God and to practice and develop Godly qualities in ourselves and our children. We become refined in the parenting process. Parenting gives emotional and physical protection to ourselves, our spouses and our children. Parenting is a learning process. Parenting helps us protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world they live in.
We also made a list of ballast qualities that should be taught to children and developed through the parenting process. These are qualities that will help to firmly root children in what they know to be correct. Responsibility is number one. Brother Williams broke this word down into Response and ability. This helped me see that responsibility is basically the ability to respond. When we are able to take on responsibility, this means that we know how to respond to different situations and be able to cope with them. This is played out through our choices and the consequenses that come from the choices we make. Cooperation is another ballast quality. This is the ability to co-operate with people or the ability to work with others. This will help children for the rest of their lives if they learn this when they are young. Respect is another quality. Respect is earned. When you show respect to others, you earn the right for people to respect you. Children need to see an example of respect from the start. This means that spouses need to respect each other and respect their children. This will teach the child respect without you having to grill it into their heads. Just remember that actions speak louder than words. Courage is the last quality that we came up with. Children need to learn courage so they can reach their dreams. A lack of courage will hold them back in life. They will be followers instead of leaders.
We also learned a little bit about how to be a parent to teens. This is a tricky stage of life but can be dealt with if you know what you are doing. Treating your teen like an adult is one important thing to do. They want to be treated kindly and with respect. When you attack them, verbally or otherwise, their natural instinct is the fight or flight response just like it is for any human being attacked. We need to rise above natural instinct to confront them with anger and instead, choose the divine way to handle the situation. Go in with a calm mindset and with respect towards them. When they see that you are being a civilized parent, they will be more likely to be civilized teens. They will see that you love them and care about their best interests. This will help prevent them from getting angry and running from you.
Like I said before, I am no expert. In fact I may not even know what I am talking about because I have never had to raise my own children or teens for that matter. These ideas seem like they might work since they are based upon Christ-like qualities. I don't think our Father in Heaven would attack us and blow up in our face. He would be patient with us and try to calmly understand. This is why we need to rise above natural instinct and go about our problems with a divine mindset.

Family Finance

This week we talked about the importance of finances within a family. It was interesting that we started the week by talking about women getting jobs. Most people think that it is ideal for both parents in a family to work, however, it actually causes many problems. Compared to a stay-at-home-mom, the working woman has to pay for childcare and other expenses that would otherwise not be there if she stayed at home. We looked at an article this week that was called Does a Fulltime Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?. The title is pretty self-explanatory on what this article was about. Some people have the idea that women who stay at home and choose child rearing over a profession don't learn anything. This rubbed me the wrong way because there is so much that can be learned from children. I think it would be selfish to deny children of your love and affection just so you could go off to work. Or even denying people the right to come to Earth for that matter. You would choose a profession to get more money and to have more personal gain than to allow a spirit of our Heavenly Father the chance to experience mortal life. Kudos to those women who choose to be there for their children. To help and teach them about this life and this beautiful world. What a blessing it is to be cared for and loved.
We looked through a pamphlet by Elder Marvin J. Ashton called One for the Money. In this pamphlet, it lays out the important aspects of finances for families. We were asked to go through and tell which points in this booklet would be the top three most important when it comes to family finance. As I looked through, I found that each point was very important but it all came down to one thing for me. Budget. When you have a budget, every other aspect seems to fall into place. Tithing would be right up there with budgeting. If you don't honor the Lord, how do you expect Him to honor you? He will bless us in our finances when we put him first as well as bless us in other aspects of life.
Some other important things would include insurance, debt elimination, teaching the family early how to work and earn things and not just be handed what they want, and generosity. Generosity is a concept that touches me deeply. I have been the recipient of much generosity and it brings me near tears when I think of how generous people have been towards me. This includes giving up time, talents, money, skills and many other things. Being generous can inspire people to be generous as well. Even if they don't know who the giver was, they can still see the example of someone out there with enough love for their fellow man to be generous with what the Lord blessed them with.

Communication

It is truly amazing how communication works. There is a model that helps break down communication so that it can be analyzed. It is call the feedback loop. It starts when one person has thoughts or feelings. They then convey these thoughts or feelings by encoding them which is portraying them so people will understand. They can do this in several different ways. Obviously they can communicate verbally or nonverbally. When they encode with words, their tone is very important to the encoding process. When communicating nonverbally, their facial expressions, body language and eye contact are very important. After the message is sent, the other person must decode what was conveyed which in turn gives them thoughts or feelings which starts the process over again, making a loop. When communicating with someone, we pay attension to words, tone, and nonverbal cues. We pay 14% of our attension to words, 35% to the tone, and 51% to nonverbal cues. 86% of our focus in on everything but the words. This shows that words aren't as important as we would like to think they are. Actions do speak louder than words. This is why sarcasm is not a wise form of communicating. Your words are doing one thing while the tone and meaning are doing something completely different. Sarcasm is a lie. Even if it is not meant to be hurtful. Herold B. Lee said,"Communicate so clearly not only to be understood, but not to be misunderstood". It is important to send clear messages to people whether it be verbal or nonverbal or both. We communicate even when we are not communicating. This shows that we should be clear even when we think no one is watching. You never know what people are decoding about the way you do things or how you act.
We learned that conflict is important to our learning. Especially when married. We gain a greater knowledge of how to work out our problems if we have experience doing so. Having conflict with our spouse helps us learn more about them and teaches us to work with someone. This led our class discussion into compromise vs. collaboration. When compromising, both parties lose out on part of what they originally wanted. Collaboration allows both people to win in some way. This could in fact be more effective than the traditional answer of compromise in marriages.
Today we talked about councils and how the first presidency and the twelve apostles of the church hold councils. They hold meetings weekly and discuss things until a concensus is reached. They do this with the will of the Lord in mind. They pray before they start to invite the spirit. They do this as well as meeting in a sacred place to facilitate revelation. This also protects them from the influence of satan. Doing these things and other things helps them reach a conclusion that the Lord would be pleased with. This same way of communication can be practiced in marriages and families. Begin by asking the Lord what His will is and be in a sacred place so you can recieve revelation. Your home should be made into a sacred place so your family can easily speak with Heavenly Father as well as block out satan's influence. Express love and appreciation to family members as well as the Lord to help everyone feel important and loved. This will open doors that would otherwise be closed. People feel better about sharing things with others if they feel like the other people care about what they have to contribute to the conversation. This is also a way to invite the Spirit into the conversation because there is no contention. Ending council with prayer shows respect and gratitude for the Lord's help. It also allows the spirit to linger with us and help us to continue to have strength to do the Lord's will.
I had an overwhelming feeling today in class of the infinite power of God and His enduring love for each of us. It is truly amazing how the human body functions and how we are individuals with unique qualities, thoughts and spirits. How wonderful that we are able to learn from challenges and are able to be stronger for it. I have a strong testimony of God's power and love. We are important to Him and he has our best interest at heart. We need to pause before making a big decision and ask the Lord what He thinks we should do. He knows what is best for us and He will share that knowledge with us if we ask Him with a humble heart and a true desire to know His will. It is not natural for humans to discuss things with the Lord. It is Divine. I share this with you in the sacred name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Crisis

Crisis is something we will all face in our lives. That can be a scary thought if you don't know how to handle those situations. I learned so much this week about our brain processes during crisis and how to counteract the things that make it hard for us to cope. Crisis is an important part of life. We need it in order to become stronger. An analogy used in class was that crisis in our lives is like how our bones need pressure and they need to be torn down in order to be made stronger. Bones that have undergone a lot of stress and pressure are much stronger than those that have not. An interesting definition of crisis is danger plus opportunity. Crisis can bring stress into our life and it makes it hard to have functioning relationships but if we endure it well and learn from the challenges, we have the opportunity to make our lives better. We are given the opportunity, through a crisis, to improve ourselves. During the crisis, it can be hard to have a positive outlook, but it is crucial to your mental well-being to have at least a few positive thoughts. If you look at your trials with a negative eye, it leads you to believe negative things about more of your life than just that trial that is occuring. Alot of times, we don't even realize we are having negative thoughts. This is what makes challenges so much more challenging. We need to shift our focus from seeing the trial as a bad thing and look at what the trial might be teaching you. I think if you try to find something to learn from it, then you will get more out of the crisis in the end. With a negative outlook, you don't see the blessings that await you in the end. Many times, your experiences can be used to motivate and encourage others who might be going through the same things. I think that is an important part of why we are all different and why we all have different experiences. We can help each other and learn from each other. When we work forward rather than being overwhelmed, we can find the real reason for the crisis. Taking it one step at a time, we can learn and become better people.

Marital Intimacy

This week has been one of the most informitive weeks of my life. I learned so much about the physical and spiritual sides of marital intimacy. In class, we were able to ask anonymous questions about sex and marital intimacy. Some of the students are married but the majority of them are not. It was nice to have some people in their who could speak from experience and some who were in the same boat as me. It was one of the most mature discussions I have ever been a part of. I learned that there are physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual parts to sex. Something interesting is that when you are in the process of cocreating, you can become closer to God. You also become closer to your spouse and you gain an intimate connection with them. If you don't understand something about your intimacy or you are afraid, you can always ask your Heavenly Father and He will help you understand and be comfortable with the things He would want you to know. Past mistakes can bring people down and make them afraid for the future but if you don't learn from the mistakes and move on then you can block yourself from progressing. You need to forget the mistake enough to move on but remember it enough to remain repentant. If you dwell on the past, you are more likely to repeat your mistake. We also talked about sex education and what is right to teach to children. It can be a challenge to know what to teach children at different ages so that they will understand what is right but not be afraid of the future. I learned that you need to be an informed parent and know what the schools are teaching your children. They may not be sharing things that go along with your morals and standards. Teach your children at home or they will find other ways to learn about those things and it may not be the way you would want them to learn it.

Marriage

This week we started discussing marriage and marital intimacy. I didn't know much about this prior to this week but now I feel like I have a better understanding of what a healthy, successful marriage should be like. I obviously don't know for sure, but I have a better understanding anyway. We learned that the main thing that lowers marital satisfaction is the birth of the first and successive children. The couple becomes less satisfied with marriage when they start having children. This is a natural thing due to many factors. The couple has to deal with new challenges that involve more than just themselves. A couple is most dissatisfied with their marriage when their children are in their teens. After the first child leaves the nest, things get a little better. Their marital satisfaction increases successively as each child leaves the nest until they are all gone and the marriage is back to where it was before they had children. This is a generalized situation of course but a trend none the less. I think it is interesting how stresses make a marriage less satisfying but stress is good for us as humans. I also think it is interesting that the purpose of marriage is technically to have children and to raise them, but that is when it is the least satisfying to be married. Brother Williams made a list of the stresses that come with marriage and having the first child. He said that stress is natural and people naturally feel like pulling away from each other when stress arises. In fact, people are more likely to divorce in the 2nd to 5th years of marriage, usually after one or two children are born. Also, when children start leaving home. He went on to say that we don't want to do what is natural, we want to do what is divine. I know that God would not want us to pull away from each other when times get tough, but rather we should come closer together and learn together. If we can avoid those natural inclinations to pull away from one another in those stressful times then we have a better chance at a happy and successful marriage. I am obviously not an expert on this but what I learned this week makes sense to me and I would be willing to give it a shot when I get married.